W. C. Fields Quotes

- W. C. Fields Quotes

I never met a kid I liked. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I drink therefore I am. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I like children - fried. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Never give a sucker an even break. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I must have a drink of breakfast. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. 
- W. C. Fields Quotes