Steven Wright Quotes
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- Steven Wright Quotes
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Steven Wright Quotes
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
- Steven Wright Quotes
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
- Steven Wright Quotes
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- Steven Wright Quotes
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- Steven Wright Quotes
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
- Steven Wright Quotes
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- Steven Wright Quotes
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
- Steven Wright Quotes
At one point he decided enough was enough.
- Steven Wright Quotes
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- Steven Wright Quotes
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- Steven Wright Quotes
Hermits have no peer pressure.
- Steven Wright Quotes
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- Steven Wright Quotes
How young can you die of old age?
- Steven Wright Quotes
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright Quotes
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
- Steven Wright Quotes
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
- Steven Wright Quotes
So, do you live around here often?
- Steven Wright Quotes
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
- Steven Wright Quotes
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
- Steven Wright Quotes
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
- Steven Wright Quotes
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- Steven Wright Quotes
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
- Steven Wright Quotes
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
- Steven Wright Quotes
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- Steven Wright Quotes
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Steven Wright Quotes
What a nice night for an evening.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
- Steven Wright Quotes
What's another word for Thesaurus?
- Steven Wright Quotes
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
- Steven Wright Quotes
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
- Steven Wright Quotes
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
- Steven Wright Quotes
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
- Steven Wright Quotes
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
- Steven Wright Quotes
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright Quotes
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright Quotes
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
- Steven Wright Quotes
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
- Steven Wright Quotes
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright Quotes
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- Steven Wright Quotes
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
- Steven Wright Quotes
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
- Steven Wright Quotes
