Short Funny Quotes

"Eat my shorts."
- Bart Simpson

"Mr. Right is coming. But He's in Africa and he's walking."
- Oprah Winfrey

"Procrastination gives you something to look forward to."
- Joan Konner

"Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce

"I never met a kid I liked."
- W.C. Fields

"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room."
- Winston Churchill

"Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

"Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

"I drink therefore I am."
- W.C. Fields

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"You're never too old to become younger."
- Mae West

"My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all."
- Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

"A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

"Respectable people do not write music or make love as a career."
- Alexander Borodin

"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
- Ingrid Bergman

"Fragile. Do not drop."
- Posted on a Boeing 757

"As I get older, I just prefer to knit."
- Tracey Ullman

"My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite."
- Woody Allen

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
- Steven Wright

"Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

"This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last."
- Oscar Wilde

"My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
- Spike Milligan

"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love."
- Albert Einstein

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

"Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow."
- David Brent

"You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?

"Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun."
- Woody Allen


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