Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Marriage Quotes, Vacation Quotes

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Birthday Quotes, Respect Quotes

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Luck Quotes, Respect Quotes


At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

Hope Quotes, Reform Quotes

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Parents Quotes

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Parents Quotes

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Parents Quotes

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Opinion Quotes

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Marriage Quotes

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Luck Quotes

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Age Quotes, Life Quotes, Food Quotes

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life Quotes

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life Quotes

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

God Quotes

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Girls Night Out Quotes, Control Quotes

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Deals Quotes, Time Quotes, Emotion Quotes

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Control Quotes, Birth Quotes

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Work Quotes

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Wage Quotes

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Truth Quotes

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Time Quotes

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Time Quotes