Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Life Quotes, Women Quotes

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Life Quotes, Thought Quotes

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Business Quotes, Mind Quotes


Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I Am Sorry Quotes

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Dreams Quotes

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Children Quotes

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Anger Quotes

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Work Quotes

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Work Quotes

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Time Quotes

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Time Quotes

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Time Quotes

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Stock Quotes

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Great Quotes

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Fun Quotes