Groucho Marx Quotes
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
- Groucho Marx Quotes
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Women should be obscene and not heard.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Go, and never darken my towels again.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx Quotes I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
Room service? Send up a larger room.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx Quotes
