George Carlin Quotes
Quotes By Author
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
- George Carlin Quotes
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- George Carlin Quotes
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
- George Carlin Quotes
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- George Carlin Quotes
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin
- George Carlin Quotes
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
- George Carlin Quotes
Religion is just mind control.
- George Carlin Quotes
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
- George Carlin Quotes
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
- George Carlin Quotes
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
- George Carlin Quotes
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
- George Carlin Quotes
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin Quotes
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
- George Carlin Quotes
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- George Carlin Quotes
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
- George Carlin Quotes
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin Quotes
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin Quotes
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
- George Carlin Quotes
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin Quotes
Think off-center.
- George Carlin Quotes
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- George Carlin Quotes
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
- George Carlin Quotes
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
- George Carlin Quotes
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
- George Carlin Quotes
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- George Carlin Quotes
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
- George Carlin Quotes
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
- George Carlin Quotes
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
- George Carlin Quotes
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
- George Carlin Quotes
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
- George Carlin Quotes
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
- George Carlin Quotes
Always do whatever's next.
- George Carlin Quotes
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
- George Carlin Quotes
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin Quotes
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin Quotes
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- George Carlin Quotes
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- George Carlin Quotes
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
- George Carlin Quotes
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- George Carlin Quotes
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- George Carlin Quotes
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- George Carlin Quotes
The status quo sucks.
- George Carlin Quotes
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
- George Carlin Quotes
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin Quotes
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- George Carlin Quotes
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- George Carlin Quotes
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
- George Carlin Quotes
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
- George Carlin Quotes
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
- George Carlin Quotes
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
- George Carlin Quotes
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- George Carlin Quotes
