George Carlin Quotes

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Wonder Quotes

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Thinking Quotes

Religion is just mind control.

Control Quotes, Mind Quotes, Religion Quotes


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Self Help Quotes, Purpose Quotes

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Organize Quotes

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Work Quotes, Money Quotes

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Memories Quotes

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Listening Quotes

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Life Quotes

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Language Quotes

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Truth Quotes, Language Quotes

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Hell Quotes

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Future Quotes

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Feeling Quotes

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Evil Quotes

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Death Quotes

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Death Quotes

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Death Quotes, Time Quotes

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Belief Quotes

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Authority Quotes

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Argument Quotes

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Aim Quotes

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Time Quotes, Work Quotes

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Work Quotes

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Time Quotes, Work Quotes

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Time Quotes

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Freedom Quotes