Funny Wife Quotes

"My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds."
- Tommy Cooper

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante

"My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"The wife's in a bad mood. She asked me to pay for her new cosmetic surgery. I told her it was too expensive and she should iron out the wrinkles herself..."
- Robert Paul

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards."
- Benjamin Franklin

"I don't care if she doesn't know how to cook - so long as she doesn't know a good lawyer."
- Errol Flynn

"There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping. You get another wife."
- Scott Roeben

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
- Henny Youngman

"There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about."
- Oscar Wilde

"My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way."
- Henny Youngman

"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"
- Rodney Dangerfield

"It's relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I'm an idiot."
- Warren Thomas

"Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women's husbands."
- Oscar Wilde

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
- Woody Allen

"I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.” I asked her, “Where’s the car?” She replied, “In the lake.”"
- Henny Youngman

"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being."
- Oscar Wilde

"My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?""
- Buddy Hackett

"Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything."
- Shakespeare

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong."
- Milton Berle

"The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one's clean linen in public."
- Oscar Wilde

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success."
- Jim Backus

"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."
- E. Joseph Cossman

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