Funny Retirement Quotes

"Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf."
- Gene Perret

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."
- Bill Watterson

"Retirement is when the living is easy and the payments are hard."
- Unknown

"I'm now as free as the breeze - with roughly the same income."
- Gene Perret

"A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell 'em to get a life."
- Larry Laser

"When some fellers decide to retire nobody knows the difference."
- Kin Hubbard

"My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires."
- Patty Doyle

"When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference."
- Virginia Graham

"Retired is being twice tired, I've thought - First tired of working, Then tired of not."
- Richard Armour

"In retirement, I look for days off from my days off."
- Mason Cooley

"Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness."
- William Wordsworth

"What do gardeners do when they retire?"
- Bob Monkhouse

"When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you."
- Gene Perret

"Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese."
- Gene Perret

"First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly."
- Branch Rickey

"There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working."
- Robert Half

"Retirement must be wonderful. I mean, you can suck in your stomach for only so long."
- Burt Reynolds

"A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job."
- Ella Harris

"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles."
- Doug Larson

"Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I"m home - forever.""
- Gene Perret

"There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job."
- Peter Drucker

"The great thing about show business is that there's no mandatory retirement age."
- Scott Bakula

"The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off."
- Abe Lemons

"If you have the time, you won't have the money. If you have the money, you won't have the time."
- Wolter's Law

"When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house you know you are retired."
- Unknown

"When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking."
- Gail Sheehy

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples."
- George Burns

"Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it."
- Gene Perret

"Retirement is a one-way trip to insignificance."
- Mason Cooley

"Retirement . . . is when you stop living at work and begin working at living."
- Unknown

"The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring."
- Milton Berle

"When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income."
- Chi Chi Rodriguez

"The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income."
- George Foreman

"I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day."
- Gene Perret

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