Funny Religious Quotes
Funny Quotes
"I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Joan Rivers
"I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Bob Hope
"I would have made a good Pope."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Richard Nixon
"He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Kingsley Amis
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Charlie Brown
"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Ronald Knox
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Woody Allen
"I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Bob Davies
"Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Woody Allen
"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me superman."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Homer Simpson
"Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
"Pound notes are the best religion in the world."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Brendan Behan
"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"
- Funny Religious Quotes by George Deacon
"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Napoleon Bonaparte
"I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Peter Ustinov
"In the middle ages people were tourists because of their religion, whereas now they are tourists because tourism is their religion."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Robert Runcie
"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Peter O'Toole
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Emo Philips
"As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Woody Allen
"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Spike Milligan
"A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes."
- Funny Religious Quotes by James Feibleman
"I don't pray because I don't want to bore God."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Orson Welles
"Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Garrison Keillor
"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Fulton Sheen
"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Joan Rivers
"Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Sholom Aleichem
"No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off."
- Funny Religious Quotes by Alan Bennett
