Funny Religious Quotes

"I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it."
- Joan Rivers

"I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
- Bob Hope

"I would have made a good Pope."
- Richard Nixon

"He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic."
- Kingsley Amis

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'."
- Charlie Brown

"A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials."
- Ronald Knox

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."
- Woody Allen

"I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass."
- Bob Davies

"Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends."
- Woody Allen

"I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me superman."
- Homer Simpson

"Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

"Pound notes are the best religion in the world."
- Brendan Behan

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?"
- George Deacon

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

"I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic."
- Peter Ustinov

"In the middle ages people were tourists because of their religion, whereas now they are tourists because tourism is their religion."
- Robert Runcie

"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
- Peter O'Toole

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
- Emo Philips

"As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
- Woody Allen

"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
- Spike Milligan

"A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes."
- James Feibleman

"I don't pray because I don't want to bore God."
- Orson Welles

"Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car."
- Garrison Keillor

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."
- Fulton Sheen

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
- Joan Rivers

"Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law."
- Sholom Aleichem

"No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off."
- Alan Bennett

Funny Quotes Article Archive