Funny Divorce Quotes

"An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce."
- Ann Landers

"American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced."
- Elinor Glyn

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."
- Elayne Boosler

"Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest."
- Helen Rowland

"She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft."
- Jerry Reed

"It wasn't until I got divorced that I understood the value of money."
- Melanie B

"The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation."
- Lord Chesterfield

"She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook."
- Tommy Manville

"The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce."
- John Kenneth Galbraith

"I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house."
- Lewis Grizzardr

"Like I said, I’ve got too much respect for women to marry them, but that doesn’t mean you can’t support them emotionally and financially."
- Sylvester Stallone

"Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified."
- J.B. Handlesman

"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."
- Henny Youngman

"I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
- Robin Williams

"A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I’m about $100,000 short."
- Mickey Rooney

"You have no idea of the women I didn't marry."
- Artie Shaw

"The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."
- Johnny Carson

"Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series."
- Bob Hope

"My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in eighteen years."
- Lee Travino

"You don't know a women till you've met her in court."
- Norman Mailer

"One reason people get divorced is that they run out of gift ideas."
- Anonymous


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