Funny Dating Quotes

"When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, 'I want my daughter back by 8:15.' I said, 'The middle of August? Cool!'"
- Steven Wright

"One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
- Woody Allen

"Never date a woman whose father calls her princess, chances are she believes it."
- Anonymous

"I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over."
- Garry Shandling

"My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I'm going to tell her I'm dating two different guys -- Mr. Duracell and Mr. Energizer."
- Michelle Landry

"Envy is what makes you, when an acquaintance is lustily telling you that she's dating a Greek god of a guy, ask, 'Which one, Hades?'"
- Regina Barreca

"I only date stewardesses. Or maybe it just seems that way. Women always seem to be showing me the exits."
- Scott Roeben

"I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn't realize it was stupidity."
- Gracie Hart

"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed."
- Dave Attell

"I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me."
- Scott Roeben

"I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?"
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in 429; a cute, single, smart man, 1 in 3,245,873; when you look your best, 1 in a billion."
- Lorna Adler

"I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?"
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I have no self-confidence. When girls say yes, I tell them to think it over."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked at the end of it."
- Jerry Seinfield

"Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again."
- Susan Healy

"I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it."
- Gary Shandling

"I date this girl for two years — and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name...'"
- Mike Binder

"Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting."
- Mike Binder

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
- Wendy Leibman

"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."
- Monica Piper

"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer."
- Rita Mae Brown

"My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away."
- Jenny McCarthy

"Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible."
- Andy Warhol

"I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept giving me the runaround."
- Scott Roeben

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