"Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.'
- Mark Twain
"Definition of a College professor: someone who talks in other people's sleep.'
- W. H. Auden
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.'
- Woody Allen
"Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.'
- Bob Dylan
"To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United States.'
- George W. Bush
"When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible.'
- First Law of Applied Terror
"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.'
- Bruce Lee
"The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want.'
- Second Law of Applied Terror
"You can lead a boy to college but you can't make him think.'
- Elbert Hubbard
"80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn't read.'
- Third Law of Applied Terror
"Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.'
- Fourth Law of Applied Terror
"If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.'
- Fifth Law of Applied Terror
"Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates....'
- A. Lawrence Lowell
"Bryn Mawr had done what a four-year dose of liberal education was designed to do: unfit her for eighty per cent of useful work of the world.'
- Toni Morrison
"Yes I'm a bum. But I'm a Harvard bum.'
- Simon Wilder
"They are so afraid we shall break down, and you know the reputation of the college is at stake, for the question is, can girls get a college degree without injuring their health.'
- Ellen Swallow Richards
"Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income—which he then spends sending his son to college.'
- Bill Vaughn
"If a man is a fool, you don't train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous.'
- Desmond Bagley
"Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology.'
- Clive James
"Colleges don't make fools, they only develop them.'
- George Lorimer
"I noticed that almost everyone I went to college with has worked at something other than the subject they majored in. I guess that's one of the reasons for campus unrest.'
- Kent McCord
"Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.'
- G. B. Trudeau
"A college is a place where pebbles are polished and diamonds dimmed.'
- Robert Ingersoll