"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having."
- Mitch Hedberg
"The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism."
- Norman Brenner
"Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off."
- Raymond Chandler
"Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life."
- George Bernard Shaw
"Candy is dandy But liquor is quicker."
- Ogden Nash
"There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them."
- Terry Pratchett
"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
- Winston Churchill
"Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts."
- Finley Peter Dunne
"Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life's problems."
- Dan Castellaneta
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
- Hunter S. Thompson
"Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend."
- Gerard Way
"I mark a script like an exam, and I try not to do anything under 50 per cent. Similarly with the part. And also film is a peculiar thing, parts... Read more
"Teachers are the only professionals who have to respond to bells every forty-five minutes and come out fighting." - Frank... Read more
"When Charles Dickens wrote 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,' I believe he must have been having an affair with his married... Read more
"An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce." - Ann Landers "American husbands are the best in the... Read more
"Friendship. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul." - Ambrose Bierce "I do not believe that friends... Read more
"We enter relationships as a somebody and leave them as a nobody." - Anonymous "Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like... Read more
"When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned." - Marie Osmond "People who say they sleep like... Read more
"My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds." - Tommy... Read more
"Tommorrow it's the mother-in-law's funeral...and she's cancelled it." - Les Dawson "Back of every achievement is a proud wife and a... Read more
"Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf." - Gene Perret "There's never enough time to do all... Read more
"Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.' - Mark... Read more
"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window." - Rodney... Read more
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." - Steve... Read more
"My mother says I didn't open my eyes for eight days after I was born, but when I did, the first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was... Read more
"A man's kiss is his signature." - Mae West "I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." - Chico Marx "A kiss... Read more
"Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important." - Lisa Hoffman "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a... Read more
"The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation." -... Read more
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." - Bill Cosby "A father's words are like... Read more
"You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was." - Abraham Lincoln "Wrinkles should merely indicate... Read more
"I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it." - Joan Rivers "I do benefits for all religions - I'd... Read more
"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." - Edgar Wallace "There are lies, damned lies and... Read more
"True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one." - La Rochefoucauld "The sincerest love... Read more
"When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, 'I want my daughter back by 8:15.' I said, 'The middle of... Read more
"To have a man who can flirt is next thing to indispensable to a leader of society.. - Margaret Oliphant "There are times not to flirt.... Read more
"Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter." - Cecilia Egan "Love is an electric blanket with somebody... Read more
"If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because you lap is warm." - Alfred... Read more
"You don't want to have to be the man and the woman in the relationship. I always say you want a man who can fix the toilet." - Pamela... Read more
"To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any." - Henry Miller "Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the... Read more
"You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was." - Abraham Lincoln "Wrinkles should merely indicate... Read more
"I don't pity any man who does hard work worth doing. I admire him. I pity the creature who does not work, at whichever end of the social scale... Read more