Erma Bombeck Quotes
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
- Erma Bombeck QuotesThe only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Children make your life important.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
God created man, but I could do better.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Erma Bombeck
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
- Erma Bombeck Quotes
